While fertility studies lately seem to have been exclusively focused on in vitro fertilization [IVF], new data coming out of Australia may help with unaided successful conceptions. The study has found that men who have ejaculate daily produce sperm with less damaged DNA. While such actions decrease sperm concentration, it does increase motility, meaning healthier sperm have a better chance of making it all the way to the egg. Good news, as another report has found severe chromosome abnormalities in over 90% of IVF eggs, meaning artificial insemination is just now discovering a whole new field of problems.

Now if there EVER was a good reason to get more nooky, this is probably it!

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive
double-pane energy-efficient kind, and today, I got a call from the
contractor who installed them.

He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I
still hadn’t paid for them. Hellloooo,………..just because I’m blonde
doesn’t mean that I am automatically stupid.

So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year,
that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!

Like Helllooooo? It’s been a year! I told him.

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung
up.

He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot !

Oh man, this is hillarious. Listen through to the end…

I got a new Rolex for my birthday yesterday!!.from the lesbian girls next door!!

I think they misunderstood me when I said “I wanna watch!!”

If you are 30 or older you will think this is hilarious!!!!
When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were when they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning uphill… barefoot. BOTH ways Yadda, yadda, yadda
And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it and how easy they’ve got it! But now that… I’m over the ripe old age of thirty, I can’t help but look around and notice the youth of today.
You’ve got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia! And I hate to say it but you kids today you don’t know how good you’ve got it! I mean, when I was a kid we didn’t have the Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalogue!!
There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter, with a pen! …Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take like a week to get there! There were no MP3’s or Napsters! If you wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the damn record store and shoplift it yourself! Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ’d usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up!
We didn’t have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal, that’s it! And we didn’t have fancy Caller ID either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your mom, your boss, your Bookie, your drug dealer, a collections agent, you just didn’t know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!
We didn’t have any fancy Sony Playstation video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like ‘Space Invaders’ and ‘asteroids’. Your guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination!! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen. Forever! And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!
You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel and there was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I’m saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little rat-b @ stards!
And we didn’t have microwaves, if we wanted to heat something up we had to use the stove …. imagine that!
That’s exactly what I’m talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You’re spoiled. You guys wouldn’t have lasted five minutes back in 1980!
Regards,
The over 30-Crowd

If you try to fail, but instead succeed, which have you done?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
Why is the word abbreviation so long?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Do you believe that Elvis is living in Argentina with Hitler, Tupac, and Biggie?
And if so do they contact you?
If you could combine any two animals and name it after yourself, which two would would you choose?
How would you choose to combine them genetics or old fashion drunken sex?
Can you go to jail for killing imaginary people?
Can you go to jail if your imaginary friend kills people?
Of all the horror movie characters who do you think would make the best roommate?
Of all the horror movie characters who do you think would make the best lover?
Which would you rather have webbed fingers or webbed arms? (like a flying squirrel)
If you baked blackbirds in a pie would they really fly out like in the stories?
How about if you put kittens in the pie?
If you had to remove one bone from your body which would it be?
Which is your favorite hair?
Whats your favorite hairs name?
Do you name your toes and treat them like children?
Are your toes good children or do you have to punish them?
Would you rather be a hermit or a hermit crab?
If you had to ride a dinosaur to work which kind would you ride?
What kind of work places would allow you to park your dinosaur outside them?
Who would win in a fight an acorn squash or a pumpkin?
If Fidel Castro was a fruit, which kind would he be?
If you could combine yourself with another animal, which would it be?
How would you get it to have sex with you?
If Smurfs had sex with Snorks, what would you call them?
Ever wonder if Jesus would be pissed if ya called him “The Big JC?”
What does the “H” stand for in “Jesus H Christ?”
What does the “R” stand for in “Toys R Us?”
When will public masturbation become acceptable?
What’s the last thing you used electrical tape for?
What’s your drug of choice: heroin, crack, or clowns?
How many Twinkies can your fit in your mouth?
Chewie or Jabba: who would you rather screw?
Why do they hand out peanuts on planes and not salvation?
Have you had a birthday in the last 12 months?
Are ya a fan of the squeegee?
What would you rather fight: a bear or Ross Perot on PCP?
Who is more likely to eat their children: an animal or Kathy Lee Gifford?
Who is the most attractive of the Jackson 5?
Did video really kill the radio star?
Name 5 uses for a dead puppet?
Would you rather own a midget, a jawa, or an ewok?
Would you rather be 2 feet tall or 7 feet tall?
Would you like to buy a wicker basket?
How many times have you lied in your life?
List all of them here?
What would you rather have sex in Jelly, ice cream, or vegetable oil?
If you were to kill and eat one of your friends, who would it be?
Would the world be as fun without ear lobes?
What would you do with a 55 gallon drum of lime Jelly?

From: Jeff Peters
Date: Wednesday 8 April 2009 10.22am
To: David
Subject: Membership Renewal Due

Dear David

This is a friendly reminder to let you know your gym membership expired last week. Your membership is important to us and we would like to take this opportunity to show our appreciation by offering you a 20% discount on your membership renewal. We look forward to seeing you again soon.

All the best, Jeff Peters

From: David
Date: Wednesday 8 April 2009 1.37pm
To: Jeff Peters
Subject: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Dear Jeff,

Thankyou for your friendly reminder and the kind offer to reduce my membership by twenty percent. I own a calculator but I could not work out how to do percentages on it so have estimated that I save around $372.10 off the normal price of $420.00 - Please confirm that this is correct and I will renew my membership immediately. Also, do I get a Fitness First sports bag with towel and drinking bottle included in the price? I own my own legwarmers and headband.

Regards, David.

From: Jeff Peters
Date: Thursday 9 April 2009 10.01am
To: David
Subject: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Hello David

How did you come to that amount? Our half year membership fees are actually $460 but with the 20% discount as an existing member your renewing membership fee would be only $368 for the six months saving you almost $100 off the normal price. We are not Fitness First so do not have those bags.

Cheers, Jeff

From: David
Date: Thursday 9 April 2009 10.18am
To: Jeff Peters
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Dear Jeff

Do I get free shipping with that?

Regards, David.

From: Jeff Peters
Date: Thursday 9 April 2009 12.48pm
To: David
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Free shipping with what? The $368 covers your membership fees for six months.

From: David
Date: Thursday 9 April 2009 2.26pm
To: Jeff Peters
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Dear Jeff

By the power of Greyskull that is a lot of money but I admit to being in desperate need of increasing my body strength. My ten year old child often turns the taps off in the bathroom very tightly and I have to go several days without washing. I feel bad constantly having to ask the lady from next door to come over and loosen them for me, what with her arthritis and limited wheelchair access to my apartment. To be honest, I originally joined your gym with full intentions of attending every few days but after waiting in vain for someone to offer me steroids, I began to suspect this was not going to happen and the realisation that I may have to exercise instead was, quite frankly, horrifying. My aversion to work, along with the fact one of your employees, Justin, was rather rude, telling me to ‘lift this’, ”push that’ dulled my initial enthusiasm of becoming muscular and I stopped attending.

Regards, David.

From: Jeff Peters
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 9.17am
To: David
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Hello David

Not sure how to take your email, nobody here would offer you steroids, it is illegal and none of our staff would do this. Justin is one of our most experienced trainers and if you found him rude while he was trying to be helpful and just doing his job then there are plenty of other gyms you could look at joining instead.

Cheers, Jeff

From: David
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 10.02am
To: Jeff Peters
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Dear Jeff

Yes, I have noticed that there are many gyms in my area. I assume the low qualification requirements of fitness trainers means that there is an over supply of these buffed but essentially otherwise purposeless professionals. I knew a guy in high school who couldn’t talk very well and collected sticks, he used to call the teacher ‘mum’ and during recess we would give him money to dance. Then sell him sticks to get our money back. He went on to become a fitness instructor so I view gyms as kind of like those factories that provide a community service by employing people with down syndrome to lick stamps and pack boxes. Except with more Spandex obviously.

Regards, David.

From: Jeff Peters
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 10.32am
To: David
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Go f**k yourself.

From: David
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 11.38am
To: Jeff Peters
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Dear Jeff

I was, at first, quite surprised at your response; one minute you are inviting me to renew my membership and asking me for money, the next insulting me. After doing a little research however, I have learnt that mood swings are an expected side effect of steroid abuse. As another side effect is a reduction in the size of your p#$%, this gives you understandable cause to be an angry person. I have also learnt that Spandex contains carcinogenic properties so this does not bode well for yourself and your shiny friends. If I woke up one morning and my p#$% was a quarter of the size I would probably take my anger out on those around me as well. There are probably support groups or websites that could help you manage your problem more effectively and picture based books available on the subject for people with limited reading skills. When I am angry I like to Listen to music by Linkin Park . The added angst and desire to cut myself works similarly to the way firefighters fight forest fires by burning off sections, effectively canceling each other out and I find myself at peace. I understand that you guys usually listen to Pet Shop Boys or Frankie Goes to Hollywood so this may be worth a try.

Regards, David.

From: Jeff Peters
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 1.04pm
To: David
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

DO NOT EMAIL ME AGAIN

From: David
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 1.15pm
To: Jeff Peters
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Ok.

From: Jeff Peters
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 1.25pm
To: David
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Is that you being a smartarse or agreeing not to email me again?

From: David
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 1.32pm
To: Jeff Peters
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

The middle one.