A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart’s and the husband picks up a case of Budweiser and put it in their shopping cart.
What do you think you’re doing???? asks the wife.
They’re on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,??? he replies.
Put them back, we can’t afford them,??? demands the wife. So he does and they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and put it in the shopping cart.
What do you think you’re doing???? asks the husband.
Its my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,??? replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: ???So does 24 cans of Budweiser and its half the price.

I went to the doctor for my yearly physical.
The nurse started with certain basics.

“How much do you weigh?” she asked.
“135,” I said.
The nurse put me on the scale.

It turns out my weight is 180.

The nurse asked, “Your height?”
“5 foot 4,” I said.
The nurse checked and saw that I only measure 5′ 2″

She then took my blood pressure and told me that it is very high.

“Of course it’s high!” I screamed, ‘When I came in here I
was tall and slender! Now I’m short and fat!”

She put me on Prozac.

What a bitch!

A group of 40 year old buddies discuss and discuss where they should meet for dinner. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at Gasthaus Gutenberger restaurant because the waitress’s there have low cut blouses and nice breasts.

10 years later, at 50 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gasthaus Gutenberger because the food there is very good and the wine selection is good also.

10 years later at 60 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gasthaus Gutenberger because they can eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant is smoke free.

10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gasthaus Gutenberger because the restaurant is wheel chair accessible and they even have an elevator.

10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gasthaus Gutenberger because that would be a great idea because they have never been there before.

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.

She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

‘What’s the matter, dear?’ she whispers as she steps into the room, ‘Why are you down here at this time of night?’

The husband looks up from his coffee, ‘I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back then?’ he says solemnly.

The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive.

‘Yes, I do’ she replies.

The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily.

‘Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?’

‘Yes, I remember!’ said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues. ‘Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, ‘Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?’

‘I remember that too’ she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says…

‘I would have been released today.’

You’re at a party and as things begin to wind down you wander over to a group of guys engaged in a heated debate. It turns out that the debate is over who’s more powerful, Iron Man or Spiderman. Each guy has his point to make, and all the girls at the party have split so you hang around to listen.

After awhile you’re either going to decide that it’s time to leave quietly, or you’re going to say “Come on, guys! These are comic book characters!”

That’s how I feel when I read some of the discussions with theists that always involve some sort of metaphysical/ontological premise where the idea of God is concerned.

It’s not because I don’t believe in God but because over the years I have come to be convinced that God is a human invention and nothing more. Humanity doesn’t need God anymore than it needs the covered wagon or player pianos. And it wouldn’t matter at all if it weren’t for the fact that this country is so bloody religious that Christianity actually plays a role in how some of this country’s laws are made and interpreted.

For centuries people have been arguing about something that is entirely made up. Untold lives have been lost, civilizations have been devastated, great thinkers have occupied themselves with this man-made fantasy instead of turning their minds to the study of humanity, in the middle-east there is poisonous hatred based entirely on the fables contained in a human creation.

And yet we keep on arguing about it, as though this argument will ever produce anything worth a damn.

My beef with religion is that it demeans the achievements of human beings. It wants us to believe that nothing we do is good enough, that any attempt we make to understand ourselves better as autonomous human beings is sinful, it wants us to believe that we don’t matter, that this life doesn’t matter, that nothing we do matters, that we can know nothing without believing in ancient myths that have been stamped for approval by a priest class that has made itself the ultimate authority on life and death and everything in between.

Humanity has made itself ridiculous by taking this great con-game seriously for as long as it has. It’s the twenty-first century and we’re still arguing about comic book characters.

(Oh, and Spiderman would win in a one-to-one match with Iron Man. Any day.)

Some guys ask Arnold Schwarzenegger if he will be installing Windows 7.

“No”, he says, “I still love Vista, baby!”

Guys please get used to these now so we do not embarrass ourselves during the 2010 world cup!!!

NEW JOB TITLES IN THE NEW SOUTH AFRICA in preparation for 2010!!!

Murderer : Population Stabilizer
Orphan : Independent Youngster
Beggar : Financial Gatherer
Cleaner : Hygiene Specialist
Rapist : Senior Practitioner in Sexual Practices
Gardener : Landscape Executive and Animal Nutritionist
House Maid : Family Environs Upkeep Manager
Receptionist :Front Office Manager/Office Access Control Specialist
Messenger : Business Communications Conveyer
Window Cleaner : Transparent Wall Technician
Temporary Teacher :Associate Tutor
Tealady : Refreshment Overseer
Garbage Collector : Public Sanitation Technician
Watchman/security : Theft Prevention and Surveillance Officer or
Wealth Distribution Prevention Officer
Prostitute : Practical Sexual Relations Officer
Thief : Wealth Distribution Officer
Driver : Automobile Propulsion Specialist
Maid : Domestic Operations Specialist
Employee without Portfolio : Administration Manager
Cook : Food Preparation Officer
Do Not Forget:
Unemployed :Township Management
Gossiping :Research Management

Sipho, driving the latest BMW, was pulled over by a Gauteng policeman at a roadblock. ‘Congratulations’, said the cop…’Because you are wearing your seat belt you have just won R5,000 in an Arrive Alive safety competition’.
Sipho could hardly believe his luck.

‘What are you going to do with your cash?’ asked the traffic cop.

‘Well I guess I’m going to get a driver’s license,’ Sipho answered.

‘Oh, don’t listen to him,’ yelled Dipuo in the passenger seat.’He tries to be smart when he’s drunk.’

This woke up Ndlovu in the back seat who took one look at the cop and moaned, ‘I TOLD you stealing the BMW was a bad idea. A Mazda would have been better.’

At that moment there was a knock from the boot and Zakeles’ voice said,’Are we over the border yet?’

The cop said …. ‘Okay, my brothers. How are we sharing this R5000?!’