Two buddies, Dave and Bob, are getting very drunk at a bar when suddenly Dave throws up all over himself. “Oh, no…My wife is going to kill me!”

Bob says, “Don’t worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty in your breast pocket and tell your wife that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill.”

So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker. Eventually Dave stumbles home and his wife starts to give him a bad time. “You reek of alcohol and you’ve puked all over yourself! My God, you’re disgusting!”

Speaking very carefully so as not to slur his words, Dave says,

“Nowainaminit, I can e’splain everythin. Itsh snot wha jewthink. I only had a cupla drrrinks. But thiss other guy got ssick on me…he had one too many and he juss koudin hold hizz liquor. He said hes was verrry sorry an’ gave me twennie bucks for the cleaning bill!”

His wife looks in the breast pocket and says, “But this is forty Bucks…”

“Oh, yeah.. I almos’ fergot, he shhhit in my pants, too.”

Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady at the coffee
machine, inhales a big breath of air, and tells her that her hair
smells nice.

After a week of this, she can’t stand it anymore, takes her
complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and
asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against him.

The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled and asks:
‘What’s sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair
smells nice?’

The woman replies, ‘Its Keith. The midget.’

As soon as he died, Juan found himself in a very beautiful place, surrounded by all the comfort and beauty that he had dreamed of.

A figure dressed in white came up to him and said, “You are entitled to anything you want.”

Enchanted, Juan did everything he had dreamed of during life. After many years of pleasure, he sought out the figure in white. He said that he had experienced everything and that now he needed a little work to make him feel useful.

“That’s the only thing I cannot get for you,” said the figure in white.

“But I’ll spend eternity dying of boredom! I’d much rather be in hell!”

“And where do you think you are?”

A large scientific organization in America (where else) decided
to pose the question to it’s Hitech computer. “Is there a GOD”.
After feeding in all relevant information available they
typed it in and waited. After a lot of hard disk searching
and the checking of all drives the computer went into an
eerie silence for a few hours and then started typing.

It’s answer was “Insufficient data”.

Not to be outdone the scientists in their infinite wisdom
started gathering information on God from the Worlds
libraries, archives, and archaelogy institutions. So much
information was assembled that it was decided that one
computer could not handle it all so all large computers
in the States were linked together for the operation.
Again the question was posed and all the computers went into
action. After three days the answer was forthcomming.

“Not enough resources to compute answer”.

This time they were going to get an answer to an age old
problem and nothing would stop them. After months of
negotiations with governments around the world they were
able to link all the computers in the world together to
produce the ultimate computer. Nothing would stop them
now. Just to make sure they fed in all information even
remotely connected to God.

The information entered and all computers linked a
scientist typed in the question “Is there a God?”.
The computer whirred into action checking all it’s
drives and then linking with all the other computers.
After months of activity going from one computer to another
the computer started typing the answer and everybody waited
eagerly as it typed to the screen.

“There is now”.

Scientific American reports that although cursing is notoriously decried in the public debate, scientists have discovered that swearing may serve an important function in relieving pain. ‘Swearing is such a common response to pain that there has to be an underlying reason why we do it,’ says Richard Stephens of Keele University in England. A study measured how long college students could keep their hands immersed in cold water. During the chilly exercise, they could repeat an expletive of their choice or chant a neutral word. When swearing, the 67 student volunteers reported less pain and on average endured about 40 seconds longer. How swearing achieves its physical effects is unclear, but the researchers speculate that brain circuitry linked to emotion is involved. Earlier studies have shown that unlike normal language, which relies on the outer few millimeters in the left hemisphere of the brain, expletives hinge on evolutionarily ancient structures buried deep inside the right half like the amygdala, an almond-shaped group of neurons that can trigger a fight-or-flight response in which our heart rate climbs and we become less sensitive to pain

While fertility studies lately seem to have been exclusively focused on in vitro fertilization [IVF], new data coming out of Australia may help with unaided successful conceptions. The study has found that men who have ejaculate daily produce sperm with less damaged DNA. While such actions decrease sperm concentration, it does increase motility, meaning healthier sperm have a better chance of making it all the way to the egg. Good news, as another report has found severe chromosome abnormalities in over 90% of IVF eggs, meaning artificial insemination is just now discovering a whole new field of problems.

Now if there EVER was a good reason to get more nooky, this is probably it!